Of repulsive lobola payments, smutty childish exchanges

Marriage and bliss . . . The Ghanaian flavour was overwhelming at the Pokelo lobola ceremony and we could not help noticing the missing link

Marriage and bliss . . . The Ghanaian flavour was overwhelming at the Pokelo lobola ceremony and we could not help noticing the missing link

Bra Gee
Who am I? I do not care and I don’t give a hoot if you cannot understand the legal jargon. My job is simply to interpret the law and just apply it as it is and please do not waste my time asking what exactly do I mean. In fact if you have any problems please refer to my opening sentence.

I was appointed to this job to make sure that all those who break the law have their day in court and haven’t you heard the saying that everyone is innocent until proven guilty? You will recall that for a better part of my life I was the legal brains in some of the highest offices of the land and I cannot be cowed by a few dissenting voices that I should vacate my office only to please their egoistic fantasies. It ain’t gonna happen.

I have defended this nation in some of the most brutal and gruelling legal battles and no one; I repeat NO-ONE can point a finger at me that I failed this country. If you don’t like the message, please do not shoot the messenger and if you don’t like the laws, by all means repeal them.

I am also a father with daughters and would certainly not phantom the idea of someone coming to ask for my daughter’s hand in marriage at the princely age of 12. I did not say that, (read The Herald and Chronicle) but I was just saying . . .

Everybody seems to get me wrong so I shall reserve my energy for other pressing legal challenges that are piling by my office in defence of the legacy of this great nation. While some may rush to say that I lost a number of high profile legal battles involving my erstwhile office, well that is all in the past and our eyes should now be focused on the bigger picture as we align our laws to the new Constitution. That my colleagues, is the main menu on the dish.

From $16 000 to $25 000

Last Sunday was a big day for all the fathers in the land as siblings fell over each other to impress their patriarchs. It was, however, not so for one lonely man who sired the polemic Pokelo Nare, who brought together his mother’s relatives to welcome Ghanaian reality television and fashion designer Elikem Kumordzi as their son-in-law. From initial reports that the tailor forked out $16 000 to his own admission that he was in fact charged the whooping sum of $25 000, one would not begrudge the family that it was a good sale.

Back in the day before the advent of the multi-currency regime, one would have first sought clearance from the Reserve Bank of Zimbabwe to bag such an amount. That’s a story for another day.

But why was the father not involved in all this handsome transaction, we wonder? That the ceremony was conducted in Mount Pleasant, so far away from the father’s base in Bulawayo is enough to raise a stink. We wonder whether he was informed at all that his daughter, who rose to fame with her sex tape and stint on Big Brother Africa had finally settled down save for the leakages on social media.

As per the African tradition, there are some rituals that are specifically reserved for the father of the bride and we did not hear or see on the pictures they posted that there was anyone from the Nare clan. For whatever reason and differences that the mother and father may have had, we were hoping to see some unity of purpose at the marriage ceremony.

Among those who flew in with Elikem from Ghana to Zimbabwe were his mother, his grandmother, his brothers, cousins, his sister and a few close friends. He even brought his spiritual father Elder Maxwell. Enough respect for the young man as he was fully represented and had every reason to celebrate his catch.

In fact we understand from impeccable sources that there is already a bun in the oven, so the celebrations will be ongoing as we prepare for an even elaborate white wedding.

As for Polikeem, as the couple is affectionately known, we wish them all the best with added optimism that the union will last what with reports that the two were once tempted to reignite their yesteryear flames prior to the recent lobola ceremony.

Just get it over with

While it seems that we will be in for a long wait for another Mayweather brawl as The Money Team continues to scout for another potential moneyspinner, our own local boys seem eager to square off even sooner. As the biting chilly weather continues to deprive us of our usual numbers at the hole, there seems to be growing beef between gospel rapper Mudiwa and his urban grooves counterpart Stunner.

The exchanges have grown ugly to the extent that they have both taken their showdown to the studios as they dig out each other’s dirt. Let’s hear some of the insults in their lyrics:

Mudiwa: “I have seen my boy rise, I have seen my boy fall. Zvema beef istaira yake kuti aitewo mashow. Tozviziva life is hard and yaramba kumubata bho. Fifteen years uri mumunda urikufamba nematoes . . . uine headboard kutaura idi waitokurawo musoro . . . only rapper anofamba netsoka anoda kushaina paHarare.”

Stunner: “Let’s not talk about mota cause yako haina mapaper. Wakaita swap deal na Paul, Stunner haasi kunyepa. Munhu waMwari wadarirei kuzvibvisisira mamarks. Number One haungomuke wavepo. Especially kana Stunner kana achishedzera kuti No. Magaya akuti No. Makandiwa akuti No.

“Now hausisina church, even Roma yakatoti No. Usateedzera life yangu umwe wako ndiri musango. Voice rangu wakatora. Staira rangu wakatora kana skiri rekurambwa I saw kuti wakatora. Ita sorry kuna Karen modzokerana kuchurch.” Eish, that sounds a bit harsh.

As the biting weather keeps reducing our numbers at the usual place, we see an opportunity beckoning. That’s some serious exchanges between these two youngsters and from where we are standing we see an opportunity for an enterprising promoter to get these two into the ring and square off once and for all.

For we do not expect this beef to be settled behind the mic as it has grown so personal and people cannot be expected to spend their had earned dollars on such apple sauce. We need serious music compositions to soothe our sorrows and ease some of our woes and not this buncombe. As the saying goes, this year we will learn a lot, mark my words!

Last call

Government scientists suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women.

To test the finding, 100 men were fed six pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100 percent of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn’t drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologise when wrong. No further testing is planned.

Till next week, bottoms up!

  • Face Book: Bra Gee, e-mail: brageesbar@gmail.com, Twitter: @brageesbar.

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